This blog has been a long time in the making, but a few recent events caused me to bring my computer on vacation so I could work on it. The most recent event was a visit just before we left, from one of Katelyn's childhood friends and her Mom. There is nothing like a visit from old friends to remind you of the importance of connections in your life. You know a friend is a good one when you can serve them leftovers for dinner without blinking an eye, or when they get up to do dishes after dinner and it seems very natural. Mostly this kind of behavior (for me) is reserved for family, but when you've been friends with someone for going-on-25-years, they feel like family.
I used to go for walks frequently in the early morning, and found that spending time alone and getting moving helped me put things in perspective. Sometimes my thoughts were about what I had to do that day, or puzzling about how to solve a work problem, but one time I have a clear memory of reflecting on my good fortune in having friends from all phases of my life. From my best friend since high school, Debbie, to the friends I had collected at work or with parents of my kid's friends, there were many people that enriched my life. As life went on and more connections were made and some dropped off, I felt like my life was improved in so many ways. And it continues in retirement.
One of the many things I hope to teach my kids is the importance of building and maintaining relationships. It seems natural when your first relationships are with your family, and I'm pretty sure no child is thinking about how those relationships will impact you for the rest of your life. I remember when I first moved in with a roommate and learned that her parents were a source of stress in her life, that it hit me how fortunate I was to have parents and siblings that would love me no matter what I did. Since this was at a time that I was contemplating divorce, which is not something anyone expects to encounter in their life, it was especially reassuring to know that my family "had my back".
As a child, your first relationships outside your family are likely to be in school. My elementary school years were pretty traumatic. I have a clear memory of the first time I wore glasses to school, after having my eyes tested and glasses fitted in the first grade. The girl who laughed out loud turned out to be one of my first enemies. I had a few friends, but being a bookworm and shy, I didn't make friends easily. Having older sisters helped, though. I remember them quizzing me on the state capitals using flash cards, and winning a prize in 5th grade when I could recite all 50 states. I remember always having really cool Halloween costumes because my sisters took the time to make them. To this day I can tell you what costume I wore every year in elementary school.
I don't think the junior high years are pleasant for anyone. In Mariposa, like many school districts, there are many elementary schools that fed into Mariposa Jr. High "in town". My tenuous friendships evaporated, and the new ones I made were kids in the math club. Probably the kiss of death for most 12 year olds. But those friendships and the resulting practice at math problems led to an early entry into Algebra in 8th grade. In that time, this wasn't a common practice, and when I and three other 8th graders were allowed to trek across the field to the high school each morning, I felt a tiny niggle of pride. The relationships I had with other teachers did not continue past the school year, but the introduction to upper level math by Mr. Janeski when I was 13 was the beginning of a friendship that exists to this day. 4 more years of high school math and continued enjoyment and encouragement led to college degrees in math, which led to my job at FICO, which had a positive impact on my life, financially and in other ways.
In the summer of 8th grade I was in band camp, which was a pre-requisite to performing in the Labor Day Parade that preceded the county fair every year. I had played flute since 5th grade, and the two weeks of practice in the summer heat was not usually the most fun experience. But that's when I first remember meeting Debbie. We became fast friends, and with her encouragement I tried out for songleading at the end of our Freshman year. For those who don't know, songleading is like cheerleading except instead of cheers at half-time, you perform dance routines. As I wrote in this blog, the experience of dancing to music began in this time of my life, but as I reflected back, I think music made a difference in my life in many ways. After making the JV squad, the experience of songleading began to affect my life in other ways. Three years later, after one year on JV's and two years on Varsity, I was a different girl when I graduated high school.
From the need to raise funds to buy uniforms and pay for summer camp where we learned routines and competed against other schools' squads, to the need to agree on which uniform to buy, to the endless practice and performances, to the "game bus" which took us to games on weekday evenings and got us back very late and required inventiveness in getting homework done, being a songleader developed skills in quite a few areas. I lost some of my shyness because it's hard to be shy while cheering on your team and trying to encourage others to do so. And walking all over town to sell candles or candy or whatever other fundraising we were doing was a great way to learn how to look someone in the eye and explain in a few words what you're doing and why it's important. I lost some of my self-consciousness because I got comfortable with the experience of donning a short skirt and the occasional appearance of "goldies" as we did kicks and gymnastic moves in front of a crowd. And I have a clear recollection of arguing with the other members of the squad about which uniform to buy my senior year, which required me to build negotiating skills. Last but not least, the injection of practice and games into my schedule required me to learn time-management.
Through that experience I gained friendships that last to this day. And those skills built and shyness lost led to other experiences in college that had a positive experience on the rest of my life.
For instance, in grad school I was given the opportunity to teach a class as a "part-time lecturer". This required me to teach Algebra II to a class of approximately 30 students, grade papers, develop tests, hold office hours, and give grades. If I hadn't overcome my initial shyness in high school I would have had a much harder time getting up in front of the class those first weeks. The pay for that job was 4x what I was making at fast-food jobs, allowing me to reduce the number of hours I worked. That's good because the classes got a LOT harder in grad school. Once I had taught for a year, I was hardly nervous when it came time to interview for jobs. And all that experience getting up in front of people paid off in spades since my 34 years of working required a LOT of presentations. When these were at our annual FICO conference, the audience consisted of hundreds of people with a lot more experience and expertise than I felt I had. That year of teaching a class whose ages ranged from 18 to 50 as a 22 year old grad student came in handy!
The other benefit of that job was that the office I used to hold office hours was home to 6 other grad students, many of whom were taking the same classes I was. When we didn't have students coming in for help, we helped each other, working out problems on the board and explaining concepts to each other. That helped me get through grad school and led to success at the written and oral exams that were required to earn the MS in Math.
Interestingly, I worked for 19 years at FICO without appreciating the importance of building relationships at work. When I look back on it, it was a skill I developed and needed in the partnerships with First Data, TSYS, and the credit bureaus. In managing staff, and working with a team, and delivering solid results to clients, all the skills of time management, communication, negotiation, and learning came in handy. I first realized the importance of connections in a work setting when I went to work at InfoCentricity.
It quickly became obvious that when you are a small company, and are working in a sales-adjacent role, that when someone knows you and had a good experience with you in the past, they're much more likely to return your call. And it was a real eye-opener to work for a company whose clients LIKED you and valued your product. At FICO, especially in the job I had working with credit bureaus (they called it "co-opetition" because we were competing at the same time as cooperating in a joint offering), most of our clients and partners considered us a "necessary evil". That's a very different feeling than when you are a software company helping provide a tool that allows people to do their job better. My job as a consultant at InfoCentricity allowed me to train clients on how to use the software effectively, in which I was encouraged to share tips and tricks and my past analytic experience as well as software knowledge. That was such a better feeling than at FICO, where you didn't want to share too much because the fear was always that they would build their own models and no longer come to FICO for consulting. I was able to help make sales and build relationships with past and new colleagues, and I felt like I was truly contributing to the success of the company. It even allowed me to help Rick get a new job when FICO laid him off after 25 years. Keybank was a client of InfoCentricity's, and I was meeting with the Risk Manager there, who knew me and Rick from our FICO days. He hired Rick on the spot when he found out he was looking for work. To this day, when I see my older two kids building relationships in the work world, it makes me happy because I truly believe it pays off for years to come.
I would be remiss in not including the importance of my own family connections in this blog. I'm sure there is a whole body of work that explains how your ability to have a healthy relationship with your spouse and kids is related to your experience as a child, so while my childhood was not perfect, somehow I ended up getting the most amazing spouse in the world. While you don't often appreciate the importance of skills you have built over time, the ability to communicate, negotiate, and manage people are all critical to being a good marriage partner and parent.
I got lucky in the spousal department, but not only does that provide me with an awesome partner, the gene pool our kids inherited is not too shabby either. I definitely didn't have an appreciation for that when I got married, but years of seeing how other families "turned out", I realize that the person you marry, who is providing half the genes your kids inherit, is critical in their future success.
As I watch my kids grow up and become adults, I have so much appreciation for how our experiences as a family have helped shape them. While not perfect, they are demonstrating good values, a good work ethic, and the ability to find partners that help them build their own families in the future.
While work and family connections may seem obvious, I think the friends I have made over the years provide connections whose value could easily be overlooked. For instance, in retirement I had more free time than I had in the past, and one of the ways I have found to fill it productively is with the Petaluma Woman's Club. My friend Melanie, who I met in Lamaze class when we were preparing for the births of our now 30-year-old sons, is the one who invited me to the Woman's Club and now serves on the board with me. I have made new connections and friends at PWC that overlap with other areas of my life, whether it be a neighbor who I have become close with, or a fellow gardener who helps me harvest and donate food to Una Vida. These friendships bring me great pleasure, and the work at PWC allow me to use my skills in a new way.
The kid's friends also have led to friendships that I continue to enjoy in retirement, whether it's Randy, the Mom of Katelyn's best-friend-since-Kindergarten, whom I get together with once a year to make over 150 jars of jam, or Geri, the mom of Brian's best-friend-since-Kindergarten-and-best-man, who advised me to get Austin on the waiting list at Liberty School since she has remained connected there.
My gardening hobby has led to many friendships as well, whether it's with neighbor Melissa, who I swap seeds and plants with, or my friend Kara of Dreamscapes, who continues to share her plant knowledge about the garden we maintain (most of which she helped plant). I was shocked last year when I held the gardening workshop to dig and pot up plants in my garden to realize that I had almost 100 connections locally that I considered "gardening friends"!
Even Facebook groups can provide connections with like-minded people. I get many helpful tips and connections through groups like "Sonoma County Gardeners" and "Sonoma County Hikers", and I try to offer my own advice or resources in return. I recently met someone who had seen my name on Facebook and was happy to make the face-to-a-name connection.
In addition to connections made through hobbies or civic organizations, I also value the United Methodist Church, which I consider a source of connections as well as religious learning and support. It has been interesting to me to lend my skills to groups such as the board of trustees or the outreach team, where my experience in "getting stuff done" at work can help me contribute to a team as we maintain the church grounds or reach out to the community. And I really enjoy the quilt group, where we meet weekly and work on joint or our own projects. Sitting around chatting and sharing news, knowledge and advice (whether sewing-related or not), reminds me of being part of the family work projects which we reluctantly joined in growing up. We didn't know how good we had it to "share the work as we share the fun"!
One of the groups that has allowed me to build a wealth of connections is Una Vida. I recently wrote Lynne (the executive director) a note that caused me to reflect on the people I met through her organization. I feel like I've made new friends through my work there that are "quality friendships". Whether it's the newly renewed connection with Jennifer King, who I worked with 25 years ago at FICO and is the main person taking in donated clothing, or the drive up 101 in a U-Haul with Kathy, who I had met in prior food and clothing distributions but only bonded with as I was the navigator to help her get the clothes to Goodwill after a long, hot day of distributing and rebagging them, there are too many to name.
One that jumps out, though, is Mary Beth, whom I was introduced to after she and her husband Eric started the Deviled Eggery. MB and Lynne were fellow teachers at Casa Grande, and when they started DE they reached out to Una Vida volunteers to get help in growing and donating produce to Una Vida recipients. As we got to know each other, MB and I fell into an easy relationship, where I help them with their initiatives as she and Eric share their home with many in the community. Whether it was the pleasure of seeing Austin enjoy tomatoes for the first time out of her garden at a picking party, or the fun of picking up trash along Bodega Avenue, or the camaraderie Sarah and I enjoyed as we helped man the bake sale at her recent "gifts of compassion" fundraiser, these relationships are priceless because they feel productive and are based on shared values.
One of the ways I know a relationship is of special "high quality" is when I think of that person as a sister or brother. I once explained to Melanie that she was a person I would have chosen as a sister, if we were allowed to do such a thing. This was the time when I invited her to accompany me and Katelyn to NYC, where I had work obligations for a week. Katelyn was only 13, so not old enough to be on her own in the big city, but definitely old enough to appreciate spending time there with another responsible adult. You know it's the true test of a relationship when you are comfortable leaving your kids in their care! They had a good time touring and shopping while I spent the week training Citibank on the use of our software, a win-win!
As I wrap this up, I look to the future. My goal is to maintain the relationships I have from the past that continue to bring me joy, while building the ones that are more recent but seem promising. As I reflected last year in the blog written during Covid, I cannot sacrifice my health or quality time with my family for others' causes, but these relationships feel like "icing on the cake of life".
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