The Happiness Project - February - Remember Love

This blog is the second part in a series, following January's "Boost Energy". I am summarizing the work of Gretchen Rubin in her book "The Happiness Project" and my reaction to it.

I once read a quote that the person we marry is responsible for 90% of our happiness, and I believe that to be true. I also remember my sister Fran telling me that you needed to have a really strong relationship with your spouse BEFORE you had kids, because kids have a way of adding stress to the relationship. So it was interesting to me to learn how this author thinks about "Remembering Love".

I actually think Rick and I have a really good relationship, and have navigated the waters of having kids, working full-time (at sometimes stressful jobs), and buying and selling homes and managing home and yard work with a minimum of dissention. However, there's always room for improvement, so it was good for me to reread this chapter.

As the author states, a good marriage leads to happiness, because it provides the support and companionship that everyone needs. She says "the atmosphere of her marriage set the weather for my whole life", and that's why she decided to tackle it early in her happiness project, in the second month.

Sometimes, while we love our spouse, we behave badly in our marriage, focusing on gripes and blaming that person. The author shared one critical fact that she came to understand: you can't change anyone else. You can only work on yourself, and how you view that person.

In her writing, she talks about the things she wanted to change. In household work, she felt like she did a lot of nagging. Not only did she nag her spouse to do work, she expected him to praise her for HER work. She wanted to be more light-hearted, and she wanted to stop taking her spouse for granted.

Quit nagging

I don't know how other people handle household chores, but we typically do the things that either we enjoy the most, or that bother us the most. For example, Rick mows the lawn religiously, and I think it's because he really enjoys looking at a nicely cared for lawn. I do the dusting, because although I hate to dust, it really bugs me to see dust on the furniture or on the stairs.

For many years, we hired a housecleaner who came every other week and handled the "heavy" work, like dusting and vacuuming, and all we had to do was the "in-between" work, like dishes and sweeping. That was a very difficult decision, to spend money on things that I knew I could do, but my friend Marti who recommended her said "it was the best money she spent", so I gave it a try and it was true. I think it was one of the things that helped us survive the years of being working parents of three children.

Since retirement, we've fallen into a routine. Typically, whoever cooks dinner, the other person cleans. Rick does the laundry nearly every day, and while I don't mind doing laundry, he is always getting to it ahead of me. I try to make up for it by joining the "folding parties" and putting things away. Honestly, most of the "stuff" that accumulates is mine, whether it's things I plan to give away, garden supplies that have made their way into the house, books and magazines and craft projects that I use to occupy my time. I try to stay on top of the clutter and once or twice a week make a considered effort to "de-pile". Ethan has offered to take over housecleaning, so that lightens our load considerably.

We all know that no ones wants to be nagged, and even people that nag others don't like to do it. One of the examples she uses in the book is her tradition of sending out Valentine's Cards, and how she handled it when her spouse didn't want to help. I can relate to this, because while I watch TV in the evenings, I feel the need to be doing something else, too, and that's the type of project I would have done while watching TV and I would have found it nice to have help with the stuffing and sealing duties. She declined to nag him about it, because she realized it was HER project, and he had no obligation to help her.

Her techniques to avoid nagging included finding ways to suggest a task without asking, such as putting an envelope on the floor by the door instead of nagging him about mailing it on his way to work. Or using one word reminders instead of launching into a long explanation. Also, she realized that she didn't need things done on HER schedule. Just because she thought something needed doing doesn't mean it needed doing right away. One of the things she DIDN'T do, is the "it's for your own good" type of nagging, such as reminding her spouse to take an umbrella, or make a dentist appointment. While that does "show love", it does make sense that once someone becomes an adult, they should be able to do those things on their own.

The most obvious anti-nagging technique she found was to do the task herself. It's true that in many cases, we "default" to who does a certain task. But if there's something I feel needs doing, like dusting, I should just do it myself vs. resenting the fact that it's not getting done. In the book she talks about a friend who has a radical solution: they don't assign duties, they both pitch in. I feel that's closer to the arrangement Rick and I have.

Don't expect praise or appreciation

The author references her need for "gold stars", but her way of handling it was to realize that when she took on a task, it was for herself. She was the one that chose to clean out the kitchen cabinets, so why did she expect others to appreciate it? I think in our situation, that's often true. I do the things I think are important or that are bugging me at the time (e.g. cleaning out my clothes closet), and I try to anticipate the help that Rick will need me to do (e.g. de-pile my stuff). It really helps to have clear communication though. We all need to ask for help when we need it, vs. resenting the other person for not reading our minds.

Fight Right

The author reflects on the expert advice of marriage expert John Gottman's "love laboratory", that how a couple fights often matters more than how much they fight. Here are some suggestions for fighting right:

• Tackle only one difficult topic at a time, vs. covering multiple grievances.

• Ease into arguments, vs. blowing up immediately.

• Avoid "You always" or "You never" phrases.

• Bring an argument to an end, vs. letting it go on for hours.

• Make repair attempts.

• Recognize other pressures that their spouse may be experiencing.

I know in my own situation, that last one was definitely an issue. If I had a bad day at work, I was much more likely to snap at the kids. If I was stressed about something while working at home, I had little patience for a child who wanted my attention. I remember one time when Katelyn was little she said to me "Daddy sick, Mommy busy" and that brought me up short. Every once in awhile I have to remind myself what's important. I also have to remind myself to watch my tone of voice, because it's often the case that it's not what I say, but how I say it, that escalates the disagreement.

I know that it is my nature to avoid conflict, so I don't often bring up issues that bother me, but I'm trying to do better at that. I'm also trying to do better at noticing when there is something on Rick's mind and asking him about it. Believe it or not, I can tell by the way he holds his mouth when he's annoyed! Both those things tend to make for a smoother marriage.

No dumping

The author describes a situation where she wanted to have a long conversation about something, and her spouse never wanted to. The more upset she felt, the less her spouse wanted to talk about it. She finally brought it up and he said that "I can't stand to see you unhappy", and that helped her understand his perspective better.

One of the things that Rick and I learned from his old boss, Mac Macauley, was something he called "the teddy bear effect". It's when you need to think through something by talking about it, but you don't necessarily need the other person to say anything (thus they're the teddy bear). It's surprising how often it works, by expressing yourself out loud, you can come up with the right answer to your problem. I do think it has a positive effect for your spouse to understand your perspective, even if you don't need them to do anything about it. When we're in that situation, we say "I need a teddy bear" and then the person knows you don't expect them to solve the problem, you just want to talk about it out loud.

In her situation, she still wanted her spouses counsel or support sometimes, but she resolved not to dump her minor troubles on him.

Give proofs of love

The author states that "whatever love I might feel in my heart, others will see only my actions". In her case, she started saying "I love you" at every opportunity, and she started hugging him more. Studies show that you need to hug for at least six seconds for it to have the desired effect, thus our family's "Appling hugs" are scientifically proven to be more beneficial than short, relatively unfeeling ones.

I once bought Rick a magnet of two snow-people hugging that said "Hug your honey every day, it will help you stick together". I think that's very true, and I can literally feel my stress level decrease when we hug (big sighs come out!).

According to the author, hugging different people actually helps. In one study, people were assigned to give 5 hugs a day, aiming to hug as many different people as they could, and they became happier. Thinking to my own situation, I think there might be a related effect of SEEING that many different people each day means you're out and about in public, seeing or working with people that you feel close enough to hug, to achieve the five hugs. If you stay home all day, or interact with people in less-personal situation such as shopping at the grocery store, then it's natural (for a people person like me), to be less happy.

Little things, like sharing funny stories, or sending emails that make your spouse laugh in addition to ones that ask him to do something, can add up over time. The author relates a big gesture too, when she planned her mother-in-law's birthday and worked with the family to make it be just the type of celebration she knew her MIL would like, that led to everyone's happiness (vs. her prior behavior, when she would have nagged her spouse and his siblings to do it, and not be happy with the result).

The author states "One of the great joys of falling in love is the feeling that the most extraordinary person in the entire world has chosen you." While we all think that, I think it actually helps to STATE that every once in awhile. I don't think we should ever assume that the other person knows how we feel, it doesn't hurt to say it out loud now and then. Or write your spouse a love letter!

The author goes on to show more examples of how you can avoid taking your spouse for granted. Bad habits like ignoring them while they're talking and continuing to read or watch TV, or paying less attention to your spouse's needs than you to do other people's, are easy to fall into when you've been together a long time. She gave examples like serving his favorite drink, or replacing his toiletry kit that was falling apart. I have adopted the habit of buying gifts for people when I see something that I think they'd like, vs. waiting until their birthdays. I need to do the same for my husband, show my love by making thoughtful gestures throughout the year.

She brings up another point, that it's important for couples to spend time alone together. I think this is especially true when you have kids, because unless you go to some effort, you are NEVER alone together. There are two things that Rick and I used to do: one was to take a "mental health day" (we called it) and take a day off work about once a quarter. We'd take the kids to daycare like usual, and take the day off work and go see a movie or go winetasting. Those were always enjoyable days, especially because other people were at work so it seemed even more special.

We also used to take a weekend away once a year, hiring an overnight babysitter to watch the kids. Even the drive to our destination was enjoyable because we could talk about what we wanted, or share memories of our time together, without interruption.

Now that we're retired, we spend nearly all our time together, so it doesn't take as much effort to spend time alone. But we've learned that even things like running errands, or taking Austin to the Farmer's Market, bring us great pleasure because we can do it together.

Some ideas the author shared are from her friends, such as one who suggested that each married couple should have an outdoor game, like tennis or golf, and an indoor game, like scrabble or gin, that they play together. I think that's excellent advice, not just for the couple but for the whole family. When Katelyn is home she always encourages us to play board games in the evening, and we all find it enjoyable.

One of the things the author uncovered in her research is that the adage "Don't let the sun go down on your anger" which meant that she aired every annoyance as soon as possible, was not supported. She was surprised to learn that there is no evidence for the well-known notion of anger catharsis. There is no truth to the belief that "letting off steam" is healthy or constructive. In fact, studies show that aggressively expressing anger doesn't relieve anger but amplifies it. On the other hand, not expressing anger often allows it to disappears without leaving ugly traces. In my own experience, I tend to keep anger inside (to avoid conflict), but if something continues to bother me I try to find a way to bring it up. Rick is usually good at managing his anger, but he turns into a different person when he's behind the wheel of a car. He often criticizes other drivers, and believes it's healthy to let off steam that way. Looks like we need to continue to work on that one!

At the end of the chapter, the author seizes on the realization that she's found her "formula" to happiness:

To be happy, I need to think about feeling good, feeling bad and feeling right.

She goes on to explain that to generate more positive emotions she increased the amount of joy, pleasure, etc. in her life. She decreased the negative emotions, such a guilt or shame. Those are pretty obvious, but she also realized she needed to "feel right". To her that meant, living the life she was supposed to lead. As she thought about it more, she realized that for some people, they feel the need to strive for more. They think they'll be happier in the future than they do now. They want a sense of purpose to feel happy. Her formula didn't account for that, and as she thought about it she realized that many people want to feel they are growing toward a specific goal. We tend to get used to new comforts or privileges, and consider them normal, so strive for more. She finally arrived at her "First Splendid Truth", which was:

To be happy, I need to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.

I am not sure I agree with this for everyone, as I think some people already "feel right" and don't need to be growing. I know for me, I do enjoy learning new things, and that has contributed to my feeling of happiness in retirement, but that might not be for everyone.

It's interesting to me that the guidance in this chapter has some parallels with the advice I gave Katelyn and Sam when they invited me to give a wedding toast. My "three things" were:

• Pay attention to your spouse, since they are largely responsible for your happiness

• Pay attention to their family, since this is an important component of who they are and where they came from

• Take care of your relationship, and try to make sure you plan for times to "have fun"

I am sure that there are many of you who could add to this topic, as you've been married for much longer than I, but hopefully you enjoyed the chance to think about what it means to "Remember Love". Next up in March, is "Aim Higher".