It's 6:00 in the morning, the 9th day since I tested positive for Covid. Given the pandemic started nearly 4 years ago, it's actually amazing we didn't get it before now. Luckily, the symptoms were mild, and I am hoping to resume normal activities soon. But before I do, and since I'm up at 6 a.m. anyway, I wanted to jot down some reflections I've had this week. Unlike most of my blogs, this one may not include many photos. Usually, I use them to "paint the picture", but in this case, almost everything I'm going to be writing about is in my head.
First of all, I need to thank medical science and everyone who has worked so hard to stem the tide of this pandemic. While many of us had gotten back to everyday lives, the fact that a Covid diagnosis is no longer a death sentence is due to the hard work of many. And I'm sure my experience is not typical for a number of reasons, but I thank God for this time of isolation and reflection.
Also, a bit of background. About 15 years ago we took out a home equity loan and remodeled the upstairs of the garage, creating the Finished Room Over the Garage, or FROG as it came to be called. We had delayed starting the project for years "until we had saved up enough money", but with Brian entering high school we decided to use the equity in our home to get the work done instead. Probably one of the best decisions we've ever made.
The FROG has gotten so many uses over the years. It started as Brian's bedroom when he was in high school, and a "family home theater". We installed air conditioning when we learned we had to install a separate heating system, and so on those few really hot days back then we would retreat to the FROG for some air-conditioned relief. After he went off to college, Katelyn used it as a friend hangout, for sleepovers and parties, and that worked great because the kids could make a lot of noise, play music, watch movies etc. and it didn't bother us in the house.
While neither Katelyn nor Ethan ever used the FROG as their bedroom, they often hung out here with friends. When Brian graduated college, he came home and spent 8 months looking for a job, once again living in the FROG. We welcomed his fiance Anujin here the following year, and when they married and had a baby, the FROG became a tad crowded. After 5 years of saving, they were able to buy a house this past August, and the FROG was once again vacant.
It was used briefly this fall as a staging area for the raffle baskets for Una Vida's fundraiser (organizer Kai Lancaster needed an indoor space to store donations and arrange baskets, then store them "put together" for a few weeks until the fundraiser was over). After that I organized a "craft week" and invited my sisters and others to come stay and craft in the FROG, culminating in not one but two craft faires to sell our goods. All in all good learning experiences and productive uses of the space, but until I got Covid, I had never spent a considerable amount of time here and had never slept over here.
It provided the perfect space to quarantine, one we were fortunate to have available. So far, while Rick contracted the virus three days after I did, Ethan has been able to avoid getting it again (he had it a year ago while at UCLA). Good things our kids are all experts at how to be safe during illnesses, one of the many "silver linings" from Covid. A brief description of the space:
It is approximately 20 x 30 feet, with three dormer windows sticking out from the gambrel (barn-shaped) roof. The dormers have window benches inside, two the size of a twin-sized mattress, one in a U-shape. The space underneath the window benches has hinged doors for storage. There is lots of storage in the walls, which I am proud to say I specifically requested, thinking it would be a shame to waste the space between the straight walls and gambrel roof. I'm sure our contractor, Mike Long, was NOT happy with that request but he accomodated it and did a great job. This isn't relevant to my Covid story, but I'm proud of the part I played in designing this space so just had to brag a little.
One of those window benches has served as my "office" and reading space, with a light, an outlet to keep devices charged, a blanket handy to throw over my lap, plenty of room for reading materials, and a wide window sill for drinks and books. I open the windows when I need fresh air, and can look out toward the driveway while sitting here. Just a little slice of heaven this past week.
The other window bench is storage for my quilt projects, along with lots of blankets and pillows. Once I clean up in here, it will serve as a second space for reading, sleeping, dreaming, etc.
The U-shaped window bench is covered in fabrics for various projects, and the table I placed next to it during craft week has my sewing machine on one side and my cutting mat on the other. All the fabric is in easy reach of sewing or cutting. Another little slice of heaven over there.
We don't have much furniture here yet, but the upholstered rocker/recliner and gliding rocker, both leftover from the days of rocking babies, are here and this week were used for socially distant visiting.
There is a kitchenette here, containing a sink, cabinets, and a mini-fridge and microwave. It serves all my needs except the ability to fix meals, so before he came down with Covid, Rick did a great job providing meals and anything else I needed. I have been able to heat water, keep drinks cold, brush my teeth and wash my hands and all the other things you need to do on a daily basis. It's actually really helpful to not share the space with anyone, as I could "spread out" and have things organized just the way I needed them. Snacks here, meds here, coffee and tea supplies here, toothbrush and paste here, personal care items like hairbrush and facial moisturizer here. I don't know how Brian and Anujin did it all those years, but for my single week-long use it worked perfectly.
The bathroom over here is quite nice! It's small, with a corner shower and toilet and that's it, but it has everything I need and is easy to warm up when you're showering. It's the little things in life that make you comfortable, especially when you're sick. I have all my products in the shower, and organize it just like I need it. That shower is another slice of heaven!
There is a back deck and stairs, which provides a view of the back of the property and the neighbors cows in the field. A view I never took much advantage of until this week. There is also a deck that connects the FROG to the house, and while I've enjoyed the view from there quite often, I never appreciated the "awareness of weather" you experience in that short trip across the deck. In my normal day-to-day retired life, I don't usually leave the house in the early morning or late at night, so I've been enjoying the brief period to look at stars, or the sunrise, or hurry across in my bare feet. It sure seemed colder this week than previously, but I think that's because my usual cocoon in the house leaves me sheltered.
The first few days were a flurry of gathering supplies since you never know what you need ahead of time. The boys were very helpful gathering and delivering stuff, so that I could stay isolated and comfortable. They would gather things up and deliver them in a laundry basket and drop it inside the door. That and a group text string worked great the entire time I've been here.
Why am I telling you all this, and why did I feel compelled to blog about this topic? I wanted to set the stage, and help you understand the state of mind I was in this week. Cared for, comforted, having everything I needed to occupy my time, with no appointments or obligations except to take care of myself. That changed slightly when Rick came down sick and I went back to the house (masked) to fix meals and take care of him, but the state of mind has continued. I also read a couple of novels early in the week that were about women whose marriages dissolved after a number of years, and who had to reinvent themselves and reestablish priorities, so I suppose that got me thinking as well. Here's what I realized (drum roll please!):
While I was very happy with my life, I realized there's a difference between "busy" and "too busy". I would have said that I NEEDED to spend time doing all the things I was doing, but I also realized that even in retirement, I had become so busy that I was starting to neglect my family and my health.
This has led to a bunch of changes, but I have the feeling this is just beginning. One of the reasons I am writing this is for myself, so that months from now I can go back and re-remember this mindset in case I forget!
One of the changes I've made is to re-establish care with an additional gynecologist. My old one retired, and I had switched to a woman here in town for regular gynelogical care. I had met this other doctor while investigating some bladder issues a couple of years ago, and she's a urologist and gynecologist. What a concept! Rather than visiting two doctors to try to uncover the cause of my discomfort, she was an expert on both fields and quickly resolved my issue. And I felt like I really connected with her, AND she's covered by my insurance. As women age, I think women doctors become even more important because men just don't GET menopause. So what's wrong with having two gynecologists?
My primary care physician retired last year (one of the downsides of getting old!), and I had established care with the new doctor who took over his practice. The "jury is still out", he's a fairly young doctor and thus is probably up on the latest, but I also sense his inexperience is going to mean I'm a bit more on my own. Through no fault of their own, most doctors these days spend 15 minutes with you, and don't necessarily have the deep expertise you need nor the time to spend helping you figure things out.
My constant struggle with weight, and my inability to do anything about it lately on my own, has been weighing on my mind. My last blood test results were not good, and despite lots of exercise I just can't shed the weight. I was due for another blood test, and dreading the conversation with my doctor, so this is another thing I've resolved to do something about. My retiring gynecologist told me about a program she had just begun called ZOE, more as a friend than as a professional. She was a menopause expert, and being a female close to my age I figured she is likely better able to understand and advise me than my current 30-something male doctor. Plus there's the whole "motivation" thing. One of the realizations I've had is I let money get in the way of my health, in many ways, so I resolved to bite the bullet and subscribe to the ZOE service. It's not a lot of money, and I have high hopes for the results. In addition to blood sugar, they also test your gut health at the beginning of the program, and develop a customized eating program. I know I eat many of the right things, but also likely consume way too much sugar and carbs. Here's hoping I can shed the weight, and gain all the other health benefits that come with that. I knew this before, but this time of reflection reminded me that no one can take care of my health but me, and if this is a tool that works for me, I need to take advantage of it. One of the visuals I keep in my mind is one time when I was at Target, where we buy many of our groceries. I realized as we were close to check out that I needed more sugar and flour, so ran back to the grocery section, which of course is ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE STORE, and ran back with 10 lbs resting on each hip. The feeling of that extra 20 lbs has stuck with me. Weight Watchers would often celebrate weight loss by equating the amount of weight lost to a "lightening your load" analogy, so I keep thinking, instead of the struggle that extra 20 lbs caused me just in hurrying across a flat surface, imagine what LOSING 20 lbs could feel like on a daily basis, as I climb stairs, hike hills, bend down to pick up my grandson, etc., etc. Stay tuned!!!
In addition to that service, I have also realized there are many things where I let money or time cause me to defer something that's good for me and that I enjoy. From my Mary Kay facial cleanser, which I used very stingily, to my preferred brand of dental floss, which I never took the time to mail order (hard to find in stores) and thus didn't floss as often as I should, to a new head for my electric toothbrush, you get the idea. Not a lot of money, but little things that reduce my stress level and bring me comfort or affect my health.
My husband Rick is an absolutely perfect spouse. Not that he doesn't have his faults, but after 30 years of marriage I know what they are and have figured out how to deal with them. We are quite different individuals, I am much more social then he is, while he is much more up on current events as he reads and watches the news regularly. I tend to "bury my head in the sand" as it relates to national news because I figure it's never good news, I feel manipulated by the media, and I don't feel I can do anything about it, so why spend the time and increase my stress level? One of the issues we've been struggling with lately is how we spend our time. I was constantly away from the house, spending time with various organizations and people, and he spends much more time at home. Spending two days a week taking care of Austin has "squeezed" our time, not that I would change it for the world, but I think it caused the differences in how we spent our time to come to a head. Rick is one of those people who sees something that needs to be done and does it. Whether it's laundry or housecleaning or projects around the house, he was taking on the bulk of the housework. He also goes to town on a regular basis, almost daily to pick up groceries or lunch or go to the hardware store, while I tend to "batch up" my trips (I think due to growing up living far from town). This means that when I leave the house, I'm often gone for hours, and Rick tends to do more of the "errands", buying groceries or other necessities. What was happening was I was prioritizing my time to do the things I wanted to do, feeling like I was helping others and being productive, while Rick would sometimes resent my lack of attention to home projects. I would leave "piles" for later, walk out of the house leaving a dirty kitchen, only do laundry when it had built up, etc. Rick would "see work" and "do work", which left a lopsided set of home responsibilities. I didn't see a need to change this, feeling justified that I was serving the community, but it was a source of friction. This week changed my attitude. I realized that my family needs to be my priority, and so I need to dial back the time I spend serving the community. Pick the things where my skills are specifically needed, or where I REALLY enjoy the activity vs. serving out of a sense of obligation, and even then, put them behind time with family. Some examples of where, looking back, I feel like I didn't have my priorities in order: 1) I would often put time with my various church groups ahead of a time to hike. We were trying to hike at least once a week, and had a system that worked well (check the weather and pick a day at the beginng of the week). I found myself saying "oh, I can't go Friday because I have a woman's group brunch" or "I have quilt group from 10-12 so we can't do it Thursday". My new mindset is, unless I specifically need to be there for some reason, I am going to fit those activities around hiking vs. the other way around. 2) We had a routine of cleaning the house together, but our normal day (Monday) was now taken with Austin care, so I had slipped into a lackadaisical approach to housework, and since Rick "sees dirt" (thank GOD!) he would do it. We are now going to jointly clean on Sunday morning, since we usually don't go hiking or other activities then (in retirement, we tend to go out midweek to save on traffic/crowd hassles). That will still leave time for church and other activities Sunday afternoon, yet start the week off with a clean house.
My time in the FROG has made me realize I LOVE MUSIC! Being alone, I could play that Facebook Reel first thing in the morning and not worry about disturbing others. I could "rock out" while sewing, singing along, and not worry that others might not appreciate my music or my singing. I know Rick likes music too, so I've resolved to play music more often in the house, and one of our changes to TV habits will be to watch concerts. We already started with watching an old Elton John concert last night, and I stayed up way past my bedtime but it was so much fun! I have a subscription to Apple Music, and play it often on my phone while sewing or doing other things, but rarely add to it. What the heck? I'm spending the money, why not take advantage of having more of MY favorites at my fingertips. And spend the time to organize it into playlists (nothing worse than Christmas music in July, or a lullaby when I want to rock out).
I also realized I LOVE SEWING! I have been doing it pretty regularly since retirement, but now have a stack of projects I'm really looking forward to. Keep in mind, when I say sewing I mean "crafts". I never plan to be the one who sews clothes at a professional level (although I have sisters who have achieved that). I am a member of a facebook group called "scrappy girls club", which is an endless source of inspiration. And I have a good collection of fabrics, and many friends who are happy to donate to my projects. Here's to making more of those projects! In most cases I am creating something that will serve the recipient for years to come and encompass all the love I have for them, why not make that a priority? I have to say that in my most recent Christmas gifts, sewing more is making me better at it. I have always been an "80% is good enough" person in many ways, but I am getting closer to 100% with the projects I've sewn often.
In retirement I have come to enjoy gardening more than in the past. While working I would spend time in the garden, but at most I had a few hours a week and it was admittedly "half-assed". Throw out some seeds or plant some starts and hope they grew. I first realized I had an opportunity to do better when I realized I had NO WORMS in my garden. Literally I dug out one of the raised beds to fix a gopher issue and none of the dirt had worms! I have since learned that it's because there was no organic matter for them to eat, I would just plant over and over in the same dirt, sometimes throwing on a little compost or fertilizer, but clearly didn't have very healthy soil. I am educating and testing and so enjoying the process.
Speaking of which, I want to spend MORE TIME BLOGGING! I have found it to be the best way to share memories and document learning. While I don't have many subsribers, I don't really care about that (although I care MORE now that I have to pay for it). My goal is to have regular blogging time like I have regular sewing time to make sure I get some of what's in my head down in a form that can be shared with others, now and in the future. While I greatly enjoyed reading my Mom's letters and my Dad's memoirs, I have to think that if they had the time and resources to blog, it would have been a source of inspiration and knowledge for my whole family. In my wildest dreams some of the blogs are useful to my offspring or friends, now or in the future.
Well, this blog is probably much longer than anyone has the patience to read, but I'll end by saying what I plan to do differently:
Review all the organizations I work with, and what I do for each, and try to extract myself out of things I do out of obligation, focusing instead on things I have unique skills to do or derive great pleasure from. Ideally I would also combine some of that time with my family if I can talk them into it. Serving alone is great, serving with friends with better, serving with family is the best!
Try not to ADD more outside activities as best I can. I think I have plenty already, and don't want to have to juggle as much as I was.
I have already taken steps to change my time with my mentee, Gabby. I had taken it to heart when they said "let the mentee pick the activity". While we have done a lot of fun things together, they tend to center around baking and Gabby inhales sugar while she's at my house, due likely to not being able to do so at home. That's not good behavior, and I think I can model much more healthy activities, so I will plan to "trade off" with her and fit in more outdoor time among other things. I attended the MentorMe brown bag last week (one of the many things I had neglected to make time for) and got some good direction, so have written her Mom to kick off the new year with a different approach.
I also want to be more deliberate about my time with Austin. We have a chance to play a role in helping shape that young man's life, and I don't want the opportunity to be wasted. One of my ChatGPT questions was "how can I be a better Grandma" and it provided a lot of great ideas!
The FROG is a great resource that I hadn't thought about how to use until now. Here's my list so far in addition to sewing and music listening: 1) Use this space for quiet, reflective activities (together or separate from family members) like reading, journaling, or blogging. 2) Rick and I have already picked some things we can do together "side by side", like building photo books, planning travel, etc that we don't really have a good space for in the house. 3) You've heard of "staycations"? My plan is to actually stay overnight in the FROG now and then. I realized it's "free of care" unlike the house which ALWAYS has something that needs your attention, and is a very comfy space for sleeping etc. Why stay in a hotel for hundreds of dollars when we can run next door if we forget something yet have all the privacy we need? 4) More craft weeks, I already have ideas for more reasons to get together and work together, or maybe I'll implement a casual "drop in" time for local friends. 5) more family time, with repeated invites to family that are able to travel. So many things to do locally, I want to treat my family to a lodging-cost-free vacation destination. 6) This might become my space to work with Gabby, to make it less annoying to other family members when she makes herself at home and makes a mess doing it, and to give us space for materials and resources that is separate. 7) I have a bookcase over here that is mostly full of Brian's books, but after clearing out the ones he wants and passing along those no one wants, I should have a lot of space for MY books. I tend to stack them everywhere, so I will review which books need to be where (we have something like 5 bookcases that have been used pretty haphazardly). What a concept! 8) I plan to move my work desk over here and set it up for "work" I need to do, mostly PWC minutes and filing and UMC outreach and trustee activities. If I end up blogging here, it might be nice to have books and other resources at my fingertips too. 9) Sewing space. RIght now when Katelyn comes home I "clear out" of her room, and that's slightly inconvenient. And sometimes I need some supplies but don't want to bother her. I have a clear memory of making "neck coolers" late at night (so I could soak and freeze them to share before the heat forecasted at the next day's Una Vida Tuesday market) and almost breaking a sewing machine needle, but not wanting to wake her I "bent it back" and sewed VERY SLOWLY so as to finish the remaining wraps. Or, if this becomes Katelyn's room and guest quarters maybe I'll make her room a more permanent sewing room. So many options!
I feel like Rick and I have a great relationship already but hopefully some of these changes will bring us closer and make us healthier and better able to take care of each other and our family as we age. I love that man, so anything I can do to make him happy (within reason of course) needs to be a priority. God willing we will have many more years together, we need to make the most of them.
Anyway, I've gone on long enough and need to go take a Covid test and get going on my day because KATELYN IS COMING HOME TONIGHT! Now to get started implementing my new priorities!
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